First of all…wow. Thank you. I admit, I’ve not watched the Oscars for years – not since Helen Hunt won Best Actress for As Good as it Gets. I mean, I like that film. It’s OK. I just have an aversion to Helen Hunt. Yeah… sorry Helen *waves*. Actually, not sorry. You SO did not deserve that Oscar.
But whatever, I mean I didn’t even watch when Seth MacFarlane was host. I don’t know why, I LOVE Family Guy. I own Seth’s album, Music is Better than Words. So you would have thought that I’d be stoked to watch him host the Oscars. I wasn’t. I heard it was offensive, so I would have probably enjoyed it. I heard Ellen did a good/boring job, depending on who you talk to. I like her. I’ve not watched her show, but I imagine if I did I’d enjoy it.
Who cares, though. Seriously. All that matters is this year, I’ve won Best Screenplay for [insert my script here]. I’m wearing a fancy dress. These are the important things. The fact that none of you have cared to actually wait around for the ‘Original Screenplay’ award doesn’t matter. That’s OK. I know you’re all gonna come back to see Julian Fellowes win his award for [insert film about the British, adapted from a literary novel].
Yeah, you know he’s gonna win. Like you know that actor who should win isn’t gonna, because that year his acting was really good he was snubbed because of that ‘incident’ and now this year, when his acting is passable, no one cares. Everyone watches because of the dresses and celebs anyway – that’s why you all skip past the technical award section. Screw you! I’m gonna watch them, I’m gonna give a loud cheer for whoever wins like…best editing. Is that even an award? No matter, I’m gonna watch it! That’s a lie. I’m going to go and text everyone I know and gloat about how I’m a frikkin’ OSCAR WINNER!
Because, from now on, I am now an OSCAR WINNING WRITER. My IMDB profile and my Wikipedia entry will now say how I’m an Oscar winner. Every interview or mention of my name will be preceded by ‘Oscar winner’. The DVD cover for [insert my script here] will now have to be re-printed with ‘Winner of one Oscar’ and you’ll all know that Oscar is mine. Actually, most people won’t care. But I’ll know. I’ll know…
I’d like to thank no one. This whole Oscar was entirely achieved by me and me alone. So I’d like to take this opportunity to laugh at all those in my life that opposed me. To those kids at school, yeah, you guys. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!?!??!?!?!?! To that lady I used to work with who said I was stupid because I used to get confused with the in house database system for organising customer queries – ORGANISE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My life is set. Bring on the riches, bring on the big house, bring on the clowns! Now that I’ve won one Oscar, I’m probably going to win next year too. And the year after that. I am the world’s greatest screenwriter after all. I mean, it’s not so hard. All I did was actualise William Goldman’s famous quote “Everyone knows nothing.” Or was it “No one know’s anything”? I forget. I don’t know shit, and look where it got me.